BC
P.S.: Ezzy...I really had a wonderful time at the Faire...really. xoxo
EVERGREEN by Katie Jaros
Motherhood is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body. I am not the first person to write that of course; someone much wiser than me said it long before I understood the meaning of the word…or the sentiment. I had no idea how far the depths of that love could carry; or the devastating carnage it wreaks; ripping, shredding… devouring one’s soul until there is nothing left.
I would learn.
*
“I just wanna find somewhere…” l pant as I shade my face with my hand and glance around the fairway, the hot sun beating down on us as I readjust Annie on my hip. I spy a large red and white striped tent about 50 feet away, other festival goers lounging underneath on spread out blankets, still dressed in their heavy renaissance gear. A foot high wall of hay bales surrounds the camp creating makeshift seating. Or in my case, a makeshift toddler fence.“Okay yeah- that looks good—” I breathe in Annie’s ear, smoothing back her sweaty hair as I make my way over to the covering. “Just so we can get outta the sun for a while…”
I smile politely as I slip past the woman signing autographs at a table by the entrance; some sort of artist; but more importantly the gracious proprietor who has loaned her space to the warm and weary. I set Annie down on a hay bale, her pearly cheeks flushed from the heat. I immediately chastise myself for not putting sunscreen on her before we left the house. She doesn’t tan like Nolan and Jane; and I’m sure she will pay for my mistake later. I watch her tiny frame relax for now though, the coolness of the shade enveloping us both.
“This is much better…it’s hot today!” I exclaim in my too-loud-talking-to-the-three-year-old voice. She grins up at me and her eyes gleam as I kneel next to her on the ground, pieces of hay sticking to my jeans. Despite no nap, I’m sure in a matter of minutes she’ll be back to her normal, cheerful self; running laps around the blankets. I decide to use this moment of stillness as an opportunity to check my phone. I look at the screen and furrow my brow.
“This is much better…it’s hot today!” I exclaim in my too-loud-talking-to-the-three-year-old voice. She grins up at me and her eyes gleam as I kneel next to her on the ground, pieces of hay sticking to my jeans. Despite no nap, I’m sure in a matter of minutes she’ll be back to her normal, cheerful self; running laps around the blankets. I decide to use this moment of stillness as an opportunity to check my phone. I look at the screen and furrow my brow.
“No daddy yet…what is the deal?” I mutter, expecting Chris to have checked in at least once since we parted ways by the leather craft stall almost an hour ago. He took the big kids to watch a fire eater perform while I checked out the vendors with Annie. But that show should have finished a while ago and he knows how much I hate getting separated at these types of things. I punch up his number and tuck my short dark hair back before putting the phone to my ear.
“You’ve reached Chris Talbot of TMV Architecture. I can’t answer your call right now…” I roll my eyes irritably as I go straight to voice mail.
“Hey!” I bark into the phone after the beep. “I thought you’d have called by now…we were supposed to meet a while ago. Where are you guys?” I take a breath, trying not to overreact. “This place is huge…Annie and I are sitting under a red and white circus tent…there is a woman signing autographs by the front…pictures of…” I crane my neck to get a look at one of the display pieces. “Fairies.” I exhale. “We’ll be waiting for you to find us…soon.” I purse my lips. “Okay…bye.”
I drop my phone back into my bag and clench my jaw, knowing that my anger level is completely unnecessary. Having 3 kids is akin to becoming a secret service agent; always having to be hyper aware of everyone’s location at any given moment; constantly scanning the perimeter for outlying threats as your darling offspring find new ways to hurtle themselves through time and space; hitting every bump and corner along the way. Being married to the most laid back man on the planet didn’t seem to help much either; I always came away looking like a complete basket case next to Chris.
I close my eyes and mop my brow with the back of my hand, still not used to the heatwave that had been plaguing western Washington since early June. My breathing evens out as I grow calmer.
Everything is fine, I recite my daily mantra to myself. Everyone is happy, no one is screaming…That is unusual.
I open my eyes and glare at the empty hay bale next to me.
“Annie?” I call, my tone shrill. I stagger to my feet and look around frantically, checking the exit first, scanning the walkway outside for her pink rosebud shirt. I turn back to face inside, and just before I’m about to totally lose it, I hear her little silver bell laugh.
“Hi Mommy!” Annie waves from across the tent. I let out an audible sigh of relief as I see her bouncy smiling face; snuggled up with a woman dressed as some sort of deer fairy sitting on one of the far hay bales, complete with a full antler headdress. I turn back to the art board by the front and notice that her costume exactly mirrors one of the illustrations. A quick glance around the tent reveals that there are several other beautiful women dressed up as characters on display. They were probably hired by the artist to mingle and cavort with fairgoers in an effort to sell more work. I look back at the deer woman and relax; she works here.
“There you are,” I murmur as I step over to them. Annie does not come to me; instead she stares up at the woman adoringly; running her small fingers over the deerskin bodice that holds up an ample bosom. I blush at the intimacy of the touch; something only very small children can get away with. Not wanting the woman to become uncomfortable, I clear my throat.
“Gentle touches, Annie,” my voice carrying more of an edge than I intended. The woman looks up at me and smiles sincerely, sweeping a few stray auburn curls off her own face.
“She’s fine,” she coos, resting her hand on Annie’s back. Annie beams up at her with a large Jack-o-lantern grin. She moves away from the bodice and focuses on the woman’s arm, playing with the leather cords tied tightly around her lean muscles. She pulls a pink flower from the cord; a carnation I think; and twirls it between her fingers. I shake my head.
“I’m sorry…she’s quite taken with your costume,” I remark, sitting down a little closer. “Not every day she gets to see a…deer? Elk?” I look at her hesitantly.
“Deer…fawn, actually,” she smiles, her eyes back on Annie. “And I’m quite taken with her too…Annie, is it?” She presses her forehead to Annie’s. I feel a pang of something I can’t put my finger on…jealousy, maybe? I quickly brush it away.
“Yes, Annie,” I answer for her. The woman looks at her and let’s out an excited gasp.
“Annie! That sounds like a princess name! Are you a princess?” Annie squirms with delight, desperate for closeness to what I’m sure she is perceiving as some sort of celestial being. The woman laughs merrily as Annie clambers up onto her lap.
“Okay, Annie…that’s enough. You don’t want to bother the nice lady,” I stand and motion with my hand for her to come away. The woman wraps her arms around Annie and smiles at me.
“Really, she’s no bother! Would you like to take her picture?” Both of their eyes brighten. I feel my face redden as I hurriedly reach into my purse for my phone, embarrassed that this stranger needed to remind me to take a photo of my own kid. Isn’t that what good mothers are supposed to do…document their children’s happiness? The woman brushes Annie’s cheek with her finger and nods at me.
“Smile, Annie!” She calls as they turn to the camera. I tap the focus on both of their porcelain faces and snap the picture. I nod and put my phone in my jeans.
“Great…thank you so much…” I trail off, thinking that it’s time to go; but neither of them seem to be disengaging. I watch them awkwardly.
“Such pretty hair…” the woman breathes, running her hand gently through Annie’s fine baby white curls. “Like an angel’s…” Annie’s practically purring as the woman looks at me.
“Were you blonde as a child? Or your husband?” She asks. I shake my head.
“No, we’re not sure who she gets it from,” I glance around the tent pole, distracted by a staged sword fight that’s broken out in the town square. “She’s the only one with hair like that in our family.”
The woman cranes her antlers back. “You have other children.” She says this as a statement, not a question. I nod.
“Yes, two…older,” I jerk my chin at Annie. “She’s my baby.” Annie scrunches her shoulders smugly. The woman smiles and pats her back. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket.
“Finally,” I mumble, holding up my hand to Annie. “Two minute warning, kiddo.” She nuzzles close to the woman, rubbing her face against the deerskin. I turn and walk a few paces towards the front.
“Hey,” I grit exasperated into the phone. “Where the Hell are you guys?” I hear Chris sigh on the other end.
“The show got out maybe 20 minutes ago and then Nolan saw a juggling demonstration he wanted to try. I wasn’t going to tell him no…it’s not every day we find something he’s actually interested in…I thought you’d be happy we stopped,” he pauses. “You sound tense. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I hiss, tucking my chin low. I steal a quick glance back at Annie. She’s still straddled on the strange deer fairy’s lap, completely enchanted. I sigh, taking a few more steps towards the entrance.
“I just thought you’d be back by now.”
“I really wish you could just….I dunno, enjoy today,” Chris mutters. “You’ve always said you wanted to come out to one of these things and see what was going on; but all you’ve done since we got here is complain about the weather, or parking, or the crowds—”
“I wanted to be more prepared!” I interject, reminding myself to keep my voice down. “You sprung it on me that we’re going to a renaissance fair when we’re literally two miles away and I didn’t bring any snacks or hats…” I run a hand through my hair. “It’s like 8 bucks for a bottle of water here—that’s insane!” I wait for him to respond. Silence.
“Chris? Are you there?”
“It’s supposed to be fun, Rachel,” he answers, his voice acidic. “A fun day with all of us together…”
“Well then where are you?” I snicker meanly, gesturing with my hand. “We’ve been sitting here, waiting…” I can hear him clench his jaw.
“I see the tent. We’re about a minute away,” Chris replies. “We’re fighting the current with the lunchtime rush.”
I nod, knowing he can’t see my response.
“Fine. See you in a sec.” I hang up and sigh, leaning against the tent post. I let my eyes wander out past the crowd of fairgoers and over to the horizon; the wall of conifers and hemlocks that cover the hills brittle from the heat. The high noon sun continues to beat down; and I swear those trees could burst into flame if you looked at them wrong.
“Just do it already,” I mutter bitterly, biting my tongue. “Commit and be done with it.” Even I’m surprised at my tone.
“‘Commit’ to what, Mom?” Jane calls from the other side of the tent. I straighten up and plaster on a smile as the crew comes ambling over.
“Nothing,” I pull Jane into a side hug and reach out to ruffle Nolan’s brown hair. He’s had to have grown at least 4 inches this summer.
“I heard you did some juggling today, buddy? How was that?” Nolan looks up at me with blank eyes; the shape and color the same as Chris’, but without the shine.
“Okay.” Nolan answers shortly. I give Chris a look. He cocks his head and chucks Nolan on the arm.
“Oh, come on…you were into it! Tell Mom how you juggled a couple of throwing daggers!” My eyes go wide and Chris laughs. “Kidding, kidding…they were fakes.” He glances at me; as usual, he’s very willing to forgive our exchange on the phone just now. I nod, conciliatory.
“The man said they were real…” Nolan corrects, his tone absolute, crossing his arms over his barrel chest. Chris shrugs.
“I’m really hungry, Mom….can we get lunch?” Jane looks up at me with her freckled face. Too many hours in the sun as a junior lifeguard. I smile and nod.
“Yes we can…I’m hungry too…did you see anything that looked good on your way over?” I tilt my chin at Chris. He furrows his brow, mulling over the choices in his head.
“I think there was a hotdog stand a few stalls back,” he grins. “Or there’s always the succulent turkey leg…can’t come to a Ren Faire and not try one of those.”
“Oh my God, Dad, don’t say ‘succulent’,” Jane grimaces. “It just sounds…wrong.” Chris chuckles and rolls his eyes.
“Man, I can’t win today! Alright…let’s move, team…where’s Annie?” He glances back into the tent. I adjust my purse and motion with my thumb.
“She’s right back there…with the deer fairy,” I turn and look back at the hay bale. I pause, assessing the now empty tent. “Wait…she was there a minute ago…”
Chris stares, his eyes narrowed. “There’s no one here…” he steps inside. “Annie?” he booms. No answer. I can feel my chest start to tighten. “ANNIE!” His voice is impossibly loud. He spins back to me. “Weren’t you watching her?!” I follow him in, my face beet red.
“Of course I was watching her- how can you ask me that?!” I snap, panicked. ”Annie?!”
I dash around the hay bales, checking under the blankets, past the tent poles. It’s totally abandoned; even the artist and her work have disappeared; looking like they were never here. Nolan and Jane stand in the entrance; Jane’s mouth creased in worry.
“Mom?” she asks quietly, watching Chris and I search. “Where’s Annie?” I leer at her, flustered.
“I don’t know!” I yell. I stop and close my eyes; trying to get a grip. “She couldn’t have gone far…and don’t they have a lost children station?” I vaguely remember seeing that as we entered the main gates this morning. Chris nods and stalks to the front of the tent.
“She’s got to be there…come on,” he waves at the kids. “Now! Let’s go!” He rushes out, Nolan and Jane at his heels.
As soon as they’re out of view, I double over, grabbing my stomach. I gasp, feeling like someone has pulled my lungs from my chest and is squeezing them like an accordion. I drop my head between my knees and suck in huge gulps of hot air; the tent suddenly a million degrees warmer. When I stand back up, I’m dizzy, my vision blurred, nausea lingering in my gut.
I stagger over to the hay bale where she last had her arms wrapped around that strange, beautiful woman; and I look down.
Poised atop the hay sits a perfect carnation; delicate pink petals mocking me. It’s the same one Annie pulled from the woman’s arm band; left behind as an after thought, memento, trade. I stumble back, flower in hand.
It is in that moment that I realize, with sinking dread, that my child was not lost to me. She was taken.
*
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